Groundhog Day

"Then put your little hand in mine... There ain't no hill or mountain we can climb...Babe...I got you babe..."

"OK campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties, cause it's cold out there today...."

Don't know if most of you got that reference to the Sonny and Cher song extract that I sent over Whatsapp recently.  It was the song playing when the radio alarm clock went off, starting Bill Murray on his endlessly repeating day.

It was partly just for fun, but also because that's what it feels like over here in lockdown, or Tier 2, 3 or 4 or whatever.  Hey even the year is repetitive. 2020:) -  One day blurs into another, and they all feel the same and there does not seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. There are no little old ladies with tyres that need changing.  Heh.  

But recently when I was feeling a little down (about work, about being away from home), that struck a chord with me.  And I started thinking about how to get myself out of this feeling because it can be a vicious cycle once you start feeling sorry for yourself.  And when some members of my small group said they were going through some bouts of depression, I took the opportunity to share my thoughts, and in the process, got some clarity for myself.

The first thing I realized was that focusing on the internal wasn't beneficial.  By that I meant, the thinking about self.  It is important to acknowledge how you feel, but at some point, you need to move on to doing something about it.  I'm no psychologist but I think depression takes a strong grip when you are stuck on the negative feelings.  I like getting out to run, to exercise but during winter it can be a bit challenging to motivate myself to get out.  And during my mini-slump, it got harder to get myself out there.  And if you don't get out, you feel worse and add to the negative feelings.  Thank goodness for the indoor bike trainer - it removed any excuse about the weather.  But still nothing beats going out - today I went for a run and it was really therapeutic. Especially after Arsenal lost again yesterday.  Haiz.

The second thing is to separate the things that you can change, and the things you cannot.  This was also a very useful insight I got from my coach once when I was frustrated at work.  Of course it can be difficult if the thing making you most unhappy is something you cannot change or affect.  I can't do anything about the situation here and have to make the best of it since I made a commitment to take on this post.  I have already spent 6 months away from the post and coming back and restarting was not easy.

What could I change?

I realized it was an opportunity to make new connections with you guys, which is what led me to do the blog.  It has not been totally successful I think, but I continue with it because I think it will matter at some point in future.  I would have liked to have connected better with my father but we both didn't really know how. The last few meaningful conversations I had with him are the ones we had in hospital before he passed away.  I love him no less but wish I could have known him much better - and if there was something more concrete I could remember him by, that would be great.

And this epiphany about making connections was what really helped.  In a way it is about living out the second commandment to love others.  When we reach out to make connections, we are showing love.  And that means focusing on others, on the external.  God's love (and grace) is sufficient for us.  When we are loved by others, that is a bonus.  Sometimes we get disappointed by people because we naturally have expectations.

But when we show love for others, there is no disappointment (at least not if you do not have expectations of appreciation or reciprocity) and more importantly, it takes us out of our unhelpful obsession with self.  We also start to realize and appreciate what we have, rather than what we don't.  We have family and friends, some of whom might just be needing to hear a friendly voice.  And we are doing God's work. (Incidentally, Bill Murray also turned a corner when he decided to spend his time helping people every day - and this just occurred to me, that one of the most powerful messages that I had missed until now, was that there is no end of good that you can do in a single day if you just know where to look.  An actual deed, a word of kindness...)

So that weekend when I was having this discussion in my head, I reached out to people who I thought might need to hear a friendly voice (or read a text message rather) and I immediately felt better.  It is still a challenge, and will remain so for a long time with the situation here.  We just went into Tier 4 and there's still no light at the end of the tunnel.

But just like in the movie, it will come eventually.