Chasing the wind

Ecc 3:22 “So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot.”

There is nothing better, and nothing harder for me. It is my lot and I am cursed by the fact that I am unable to let go, to just coast through the remaining period here and enjoy retirement. There are many things to put right but I get nowhere.

I try to persuade, to put across my point as delicately as I can, but the responses are telling. They either betray an unwillingness to engage, a wilful blindness if you will; or worse, a tendency to stick to risk-averse positions that break down under closer scrutiny.

I reach out to those who are supposed to help and support me but no help or sympathy is forthcoming and I fight on alone. Maybe they think I’m in the wrong, maybe my approach is not as palatable as I thought it was.

It has been a very difficult week, made more difficult by the realisation that no one really cares. Everyone’s doing their own little charade - perhaps that is uncharitable of me but that’s what it feels like. I have no real clue or confidence that much of what I do actually matters.

There’s no feedback - no one likes negative feedback but for me it would be at least evidence that someone cares. Indifference is my worst enemy.

That was my lowest point in my working life. Never have I felt so despondent. No one noticed, or cared. And it’s funny but it becomes almost a point of pride that you would not tell anyone how you really feel because to do so might be a sign of weakness. So you suck it up and soldier on. But it eats away at you inside. And so even in some extreme circumstances, people would always remark after the fact, “but he seemed so normal and seemed to be doing fine”. They don’t understand. Doing your best to appear that you’re on top of things is the last vestige of the depressed.

The reason I’m telling you this is not for sympathy. There’s a lesson here - and many more that I alluded to. We are to love, so reach out to people. Ask how they’re doing, show them a little kindness, listen to them a little more attentively, give them your time.

But God is good. A few days later, someone sent me this article which I shared with you. 

https://thereformingtrombonist.com/2016/04/29/on-making-good-shoes/

Not sure if you read it, but it really struck a chord with me because of what I was going through. And it reminded me of what is really important about the work we do. This verse quoted in the article said it best:

 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. (Colossians 3:23-24)

I am encouraged to work heartily, not seeking any positive acknowledgement from men, and so whether they accept my views or suggestions is not important. Whether they respond or not, also becomes irrelevant to some extent. We just need to pray for wisdom that we are doing the right thing and to seek God’s help in opening hearts and minds.

Just like in the spreading of the gospel, what matters is not  only converting / convincing someone - otherwise most of us would be considered poor Christians - but that in our conduct we are giving good testimony. 

In the examples at work I gave, this testimony would then be about selflessness (that it’s not about you), and courage in speaking up. But always with kindness, which can be extremely difficult. I did not do too well there.

But my head is clearer now and there’s no longer a burden. I am but one messenger and there will be others who carry the fight subsequently.