"Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
It has been some time since I felt the urge to write, and perhaps it is not a coincidence that I am doing so when I need Him most. The above verse was one of those that popped up when I googled for biblical verses that talk about loneliness.
It is difficult to find someone to talk to about such things, and writing is my way of expressing my innermost thoughts and finding release - and also therapy. Maybe if I was back home, I might reach out to one of my small group and ask him out for a beer. I don't have that connection with anyone here. In truth, I have not tried hard enough.
When I first had to live in London alone, I did not think I would have a problem. I grew up in relative solitude - my brother was deaf and I could not really communicate with him and my youngest brother KM only came along many years later. There was a bit of a generation gap and by then I had become a bit of a loner. I did not learn to form lasting friendships, and in some respects I was too judgmental to ever really bond deeply with anyone. Sure I had friends, but invariably I would drift apart from them once the original connections were no longer there - whether it be working together, or playing together. It wasn't that I saw these relationships as transactional but I never made enough of an effort.
I used to think of it as being comfortable in my own skin, and with my own company. And so my hobbies in my youth and young adulthood tended to be solitary activities such as film and reading.
In the last two weeks, I have felt a deep pang of loneliness.
The mistake I have made is to think I was fine with being alone, when in fact what I was comfortable with, was with solitude. I can do many things on my own and do not need the company of others to derive energy from. I am an introvert in that sense. I do enjoy engaging with people, but it saps my energy.
Today I had an epiphany about solitude and loneliness.
I think under the right circumstances (and up to a point of course), a man can endure solitude as long as he knows he is not really alone. If he knows that someone out there cares about him, misses him, loves him, he will pull through the deprivation of human contact. The bonds are his armour and he will withstand almost anything.
On the other hand, a man can exist in the world and be with people, and yet feel utterly lonely. The lack of a connection, of human warmth renders his interactions with others superficial.
This is where I am now.
What brought this on?
I can't pinpoint any one thing but there have been a few factors besides what I have mentioned above. Having expectations and being disappointed by people is one. Being unproductive is another. Or to be more accurate, I am trying to be productive but have no idea if any of the work is meaningful or appreciated. What does not help as well is feeling that I don't really matter much, if at all. Reaching out, not getting a response. Things not working. Falling ill and not recovering (at least covid only lasted a day or two). Feeling old.
The only solution, as with all things, is to turn to Him.
And this brings me to a recent discussion I had with someone about faith. I said the problems of the world, or at least the most trenchant ones, are beyond human solutions. The more I struggle to see how we might have a better world, the greater the tendency to fall into despair. We cannot overcome sin ourselves and only Christ offers us hope of a greater world beyond.
But Christ also offers us a practical solution for overcoming despondency in our daily lives now. Instead of us just waiting passively for deliverance, and possibly being miserable in the process, He taught us that besides loving Him, we are to love others. It is this focus on the external, rather than on ourselves, that ironically is the path to greater happiness and joy for us.
The person I had the discussion with did not disagree, but mentioned that before helping others, we needed to first take care of that popular obsession these days - our own mental health. I said that perspective was still a self-centric view. (Note: I also think that society today is overly obsessed with self and thus any suggestion that you can in fact love yourself more, leads to all manner of unhealthy fads and worship)
If there is anything Christ has taught us, it is that we can have an infinite capacity to love others. He loves the most wretched of sinners. An act of love can be the smallest gesture, and it does not require us to first be in a good place. In fact it is all the more praiseworthy that we help others when we are less equipped to do so. And if we always have this attitude, then we are always ready to love others no matter our circumstances.
Someone once took issue with my point about this central aspect of love that defines our faith. He said that love was something that was not unique to Christianity. I agreed but said that the key difference was that we are called to love all, even the most unlovable, even our enemies.
