When the problem is also the cure

It is almost 3 years now since I embarked on this adventure.

It was always going to be a challenge in more ways than one. I thought it would get easier. In some ways it has. I am getting the hang of the work, the role, living alone, cooking, being out of my comfort zone - again. But there are also things that I never gave much thought to because I assumed it would get easier.

I thought I would get used to the loneliness. That I would find ways to occupy my time, and that this would distract me from thinking about what you were doing, what I was missing, whether you were really that bothered by my absence… And these distractions worked for a while.

That’s why golf has been a lifesaver in more ways than one. It has focused my mind on something other than missing home, and it takes up quite a bit of time. Plus it’s with a group of people I really enjoy playing with. The search for distractions also means that sometimes I make impulsive decisions, like going to the Emirates for a night game after playing golf in the morning. It’s tiring but the sense of activity and excitement really helps.

But then the illusion wears off and when I go back to the flat, the emptiness is overwhelming at times. It is mostly a dull, flat soulless existence but sometimes there’s a flood of emotions that comes unexpectedly.

The other day, I watched the movie “CODA” (Child Of Deaf Adults) and it was really good. It’s funny and touching, and I started crying in one of the scenes and couldn’t stop. Part of it was due to the fact that I could relate to the challenge of communication with the deaf, seeing how poorly I manage with my brother. And that I could have done more. But it was also about their struggles, how much is missing in their silent world, and what we take for granted.

But I think it was also because I caught the movie at a time when I was feeling a bit down in the dumps. Even when heading out to golf this morning, I didn’t feel as up for it  as I normally am. And yet I would probably feel a whole lot worse if I had nothing to do and just vegetate at home.

And that’s a lot like how I feel about the work at the moment. I am doing what I can, as much as I think makes sense, as best I can. The thing though is I often have no clue as to whether I make any difference. There’s hardly any feedback, and even where I have issues to take up, I often do not get a response. It is frustrating and depressing. But just like playing golf on weekends, it would feel a lot worse if I didn’t do my work. Hence, the titular description of what I feel at the moment.

Let’s hope for a nice summer to banish the blues. I don’t have any answers.

Happy birthday Ethan!

And the last of my three boys has become a man :)

What an incredible journey it has been so far, for Mummy and I, to see all of you grow up into fine young God-fearing men. It hasn't always been smooth of course but that's part of life, part of the journey, part of the imperfections we see only in those close to us.

Imperfections. I was reminded of this word by something Mummy shared recently. We do not strive for perfection to inspire, but inspire through showing how we deal with our imperfections. Initially I wrote "how we overcome our imperfections", but realised that that suggests an element of still trying to "achieve" perfection, which is a fool's errand. It is rather like seeking salvation through works, which is in some ways 'dishonest' (for want of a better word). It is then not a selfless act.

Dealing with imperfection is a better phrasing because it indicates acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that we cannot overcome our sin by ourselves. And we hope to inspire through referencing that we have Christ to help us overcome our imperfections.

Here's a funny story that I was reminded of by this perspective I mentioned earlier about how we tend to see imperfection only in those close to us. We see others as having more wonderful lives, more wonderful families and wonder "why can't my family be like theirs?" or "Why can't my life be like theirs?"  Or perhaps more appropriately these days, "Why isn't my life Insta-perfect?"

But long before social media, when I was a young boy in primary school, I had a classmate who was really well brought up, very prim and proper, a refined gentle soul, really the opposite of everything I was... I kid, I kid. But he was a role model to me in many ways, and we were the two best students in our class, swapping 1st and 2nd positions in class each term or year. I considered him a friend, though we weren't that close. He wasn't sporty at all for one. I thought his life was picture perfect and I don't know why but I recall that I once wrote a letter to him asking if I could be part of his family or something like that. Isn't that like the most bizarre thing ever? My memory is fuzzy now and maybe it's all in my imagination...

I don't think my life was particularly bad. We were comfortably middle-class and I lacked nothing in material comforts - one of the simple joys of life in those days was not really knowing what you 'lacked'. We were just happy with whatever we had, making the most of it. I never went on a family holiday, ever. Was I the poorer for it? Maybe in some small superficial way in hindsight but not in any real way that matters to my upbringing.

But still...I thought his life was better. And that's the tragedy of human covetousness. 

Anyways, I love all of you very much and I hope to see you all again very soon. And here's a little reminder of some of the wonderful birthday celebrations we have had in the past.

Happy birthday Matt!

I wish I don't have to miss too many birthdays.

It reminds me of the very first time I encountered such a possibility and you guys probably heard this story before. The year was 1997, and I was overseas on a work trip. It was a trip that had not been planned and I had been activated at short notice to head over there to be part of a relief team. Don't know if you recall but I pointed out the case when you guys came to my department's museum for a family day visit.

I think I headed over in June, and what was envisaged to be a short trip then dragged on, leaving the four of us in the team in a limbo. Days passed and initially we mostly sat around waiting for the call that would send us home. Then we started renting videos to watch, drove to Sydney one Sunday, and even played my first proper round of golf on a public course for the princely sum of 12 Aussie dollars. It's winter and there's frost on the ground. What a way to start playing golf!

After a few weeks with no end in sight, it's almost the end of July and I asked my boss for permission to come home because I didn't want to miss the very first birthday of my son. Thankfully he agreed. I can't recall exactly how I asked but I must have weighed the situation and felt that we were just waiting and waiting and it did not really matter if I left. If the situation was such that we needed all hands on deck I would have stayed.

Anyway, this time round I am going to miss two of your birthdays (at least) but then I remember that I didn't miss too many of your birthdays the last two years. Thanks to the pandemic. And my cataract operation.

Hope you have a great time celebrating and may God continue to bless you all.

Blessed birthday Matt. Advance birthday greetings Ethan! And even more advanced greetings to Gabe and Mummy!!!

Love 

Daddy