Farewell my 'twin'

Today's sermon was Pastor Stanley's last as Wesley's PIC.

As he bid farewell, he took the opportunity to talk about his own journey of faith, and there were some bits where I got choked up as it reminded me of my own journey.  It was quite amazing that there were so many similar experiences and parallels in my life that I could relate to.  Except that I was not a commando haha.. I am not just saying that because we were born on the same day - 21 Oct 1962 (in case I forget my own birthday in future).  You've heard this joke before - we were separated at birth hahaha...

He spoke of his conversion at 14, and how he would always remember that day.  And how he later abandoned his faith and decided to be an atheist.  I am ashamed to say that I do not recall the day I decided to accept Christ, only that it was sometime in the university when my friend brought me to church, and I am also ashamed to say that there was a time in my life when I denied my faith.  And for pretty much the same reasons.  Pastor said that the church he went to didn't make him feel welcome, and my experience was pretty much the same.

I had a real desire to learn about God, and would in fact attend services on both Saturday and Sunday but at different churches of the same denomination.  But I never really felt like I belonged, and maybe I was also immature and needed someone to really be a mentor.  I think it is important to share our own testimony (hopefully having learned something from it), and spread the message about Christ.  We however need to be shepherds too.  Winning souls is not a competition, and it is meaningless if those we save end up lost.  I don't recall anyone trying to bring me back to the church that I left but this isn't a complaint - I am just stating what I remember of that time.  Perhaps they saw me as someone who was not ready.

I also left because as all believers do at some point, I had questions or rather pre-conceptions about what I thought faith was or should be, and did not find the answers to those questions or doubts.  At the time, I concluded that church was not for me (as Pastor did) when in fact I should have sought help or clarity from fellow believers whether from that church or another church.  This happened again later in life when I started attending church again (this time at Wesley) with mummy after we got married.  We attended church dutifully for a couple of years but did not get involved in any other way in the life of the church and slowly drifted away and finally stopped going altogether.  The point I am trying to make is that God is good, and church is usually not the problem (unless there are issues with its teachings) - it is more often than not, issues with ourselves.  Which is what brought us to Christ in the first place.

Like Pastor Stanley, I was similarly disillusioned and would deny being a Christian in those years in the wilderness, for instance when filling out details of my personal particulars.  It wasn't like it was easy though, as each time I would wrestle with the decision on what to put down for 'religion'.  And in a way, we still somehow clung to our faith as we would send you guys to youth ministry every week even when we were not attending church ourselves.  It does seem strange now but I guess God was still at work in my life, and certainly in mummy's life when she asked if I would like to return to church a few years later and this time we were truly reborn.  He is good and merciful and has His plans for us.

Another thing that resonated with me was when Pastor mentioned the time his wife quit her job, and how that was a challenge for his family, and my mind went back in time to 1998 when mummy was not being fairly treated at work and we had a discussion and decided that she would quit and focus on you guys.  It was not an easy decision - neither of us were earning big salaries, and giving up one would put a serious dent in our finances.  But we had a home, my job was stable and I remember telling her to not worry, that we would just make do with less.  And you know what?  We did, and I don't think you guys missed out on much.

That was also made possible because God was good to us - we were blessed in many ways and this is where another thing that Pastor said, struck me as a philosophy I hold quite dear.  And that is when he said he was apprehensive about taking on the challenge of leaving Wesley to be the PIC at AMK, and how he had never pursued any personal glory or position.  I have always been happiest when I have been able to do what I love without thought for promotion or other forms of reward.  Just the ability to do that is a real blessing and I had many years of that.  And when I have been able to do so, He has blessed me also with good bosses who see the good work that I do and I have made progress.  And there were times when I felt that same fear and doubt that Pastor mentioned in taking on new responsibilities - which is actually a good sign in my opinion.  Only a fool (or someone totally deluded) would have no doubts.

It is when I feel entitled that I have been most unhappy.  There were times (thankfully not many) when I felt that I was overlooked for a promotion or award, and I was deeply resentful.  What has helped me is to accept the situation, and think about what I was really unhappy about and God has helped me come to peace with it.  I realised that in some cases, He was watching over me.  I was not ready, not deserving, and it was my own sense of arrogance and pride that was the real problem.  He has His plans for us as I mentioned, and sometimes there are better things in store for us down the road that would not be possible if we had gotten our way.  The other realisation was that our personal glory does not matter.  What matters is whether our lives bring glory to Him.

When I came to that moment of clarity, it was truly liberating.  You do not become beholden to people who may not have your best interests at heart - one boss who liked people to feel that they owe him was genuinely baffled when I told him I did not wish to be nominated for an award (I knew I would probably not get it anyway).  You also don't feel pressure to chase after something that is actually not all that meaningful in the ultimate reckoning. A medal for instance - maybe it looks good on your obituary (and it feels good the year that you get it) but who else really cares?  Don't get me wrong - it's nice if your work is recognised and validated through such awards and I think it is also important if someone has really gone above and beyond the call of duty.

And finally, what I am most proud of at this point in my life is that you guys have brought glory to God in your own ways, though acts of service and acts of love.  I am truly blessed.

So if you have made it to the end here (congrats), you will see a resemblance of what I have said here to the basic outline of the sermon.  To recap (thanks to mummy):

The Lord is good.

His mercy endures forever.

His faithfulness continues from generation to generation.

Christmas Day walk 2020

The walk did me good.  Really appreciate the days when the sun is out - how different your perspective is when the circumstances are not the same.  I will complain less about the sun when I come home.  Even the rain is more welcome back home - cools things down, and nothing like the feeling after a torrential downpour.  The air feels fresher, the streets are sparkling with all the grime and dirt washed away.  The rain here is never heavy enough - it just makes everything feel damp and uncomfortable, though it feels warmer.

Anyway, after deciding to get out of the flat, I changed and went down to the lobby where I spoke to the concierge Mario (he's from Holland) to wish him Merry Christmas - he's a nice chap and I got to know him a little when he accompanied someone into the flat to check on the water heater.  A few of them are quite nice and I think people in service jobs generally appreciate it when you take a personal interest in them and get to know them.  Another one Bill is an Everton fan, and we always chat about football and have a good laugh.  Then there's also a black man Marvin who is very pleasant and will always chat with you if you are inclined to.

So after talking to Mario, I left by the side door and that sort of determined my route.  I did not have a destination or route in mind anyway.  So I headed down John Islip Street and turned into Atterbury Street and then out onto Millbank where the Tate is.

It was only today that I realised that this piece at the Tate has Indian influences.

Walked along Millbank and then onto Lambeth Bridge.  The sun was shining in the cold air and it was calm and peaceful and bright, as Christmas should be.

I decided to head to quieter streets as there were quite a number of people out and about, not doubt attracted by the same good weather as I was.  Did a short counter-clockwise loop down Lambeth Road, Hercules Road, and then Westminster Bridge Road.

It was only when I was approaching Westminster Bridge that I recalled the warnings that there might be attacks during the Christmas period, and that it had happened here before.  I became a bit more alert of the people around me, and would turn round once in a while to check my surroundings.

Decided that I didn't feel like going through the heavier traffic and crowds that would be in the Westminster area, and so turned to walk along Albert Embankment where I called mummy.

After the call, as I walked along Albert Embankment, I discovered this monument to the SOE agents in World War 2.  The inscription reads:

"The Maquis.  

French Resistance Fighters.

470 SOE agents were sent on sabotage missions to occupied France where they fought with networks of French resistance fighters who played an important part in the liberation of France in 1944. 

Violet Szabo

1921-1945

Whose sculpture is on this plinth and who was posthumously awarded the George Cross and the Croix De Guerre, was among the 117 SOE Agents who did not survive their missions to France."

Dedicated to the people who were in the SOE (Special Operations Executive) the forerunner of today's MI6.  They fought behind the lines during World War 2.  The inscription reads:

The SOE was secretly formed for the purpose of recruiting agents, men and women of many nationalities who would volunteer to continue the fight for freedom, by performing acts of sabotagein countries occupied by the enemy during the Second World War.

This monument is in honour of all the courageous SOE agents; those who did survive and those who did not survive their perilous missions.

Their services were beyond the call of duty

In the pages of history

Their names are carved with pride"

Riverside apartments - mummy and I looked at a flat there.  Beautiful view of the river, but the kitchen was very oddly designed and not very practical.

Interesting bench.  So Matt said it looked like film reels.  More like entangled cassette tape, but you guys won't get the reference.  Cassette tapes were the recordable CDs of our time.  First there were records (now making a comeback as the more hip "vinyl") but it wasn't portable and you could not record your own (they are 'pressed' - to make grooves).  When they started releasing music on cassettes, it spawned a whole new industry.  The Sony Walkman was born, and music became portable and anti-social behavior was born hahaha..  The other important development was the introduction of home tape decks that allowed you to make your own recordings.  (And thus the inspiration for the mix tape in Guardians of the Galaxy.) You would make tapes for friends, girlfriends that showed off your excellent (or not) taste in music, or professed your love.  The problem with tape was that after a while they tended to stick and that would cause it to become all entangled in the player.  You would have to slowly pull it out and then carefully turn the spools of the cassette to get the tape all back in.  If you were lucky, the tape was not damaged.  Otherwise it was 'adios'.

What's that line in Jurassic Park?  Life finds a way.  It was fascinating that in close up, it looked like a forest of sorts.

 

Christmas 2020

Woke up earlier than I meant to - might have been the phones buzzing.  Anyway I didn't want to really deal with the messages then so I didn't look at them.

I decided to read in bed, and got through quite a few chapters of a book I've been ploughing through very slowly (among others) over the last few months even though it's not a difficult read.  It's about communication, and was a gift from my former coach.  It is a good read and I will pass it on to you guys.  Like many other things in my life, I've not worked very hard to apply myself and improve on things - reading is key.  Anyway, pushing myself to do the reading helped take my mind off things for a while.  I need to be more disciplined about it.

Got up and dealt with the messages that had come in.  And recalling my own reflections from last night, I decided to do the Wesley Christmas service after breakfast and I am glad I did.  It brought me out of my funk a little, and when Pastor said to share the peace of God, I did.  I didn't see the messages you guys left earlier after the service had started. 

I was both happy and sad when I saw the photo of you guys around the table enjoying a nice Christmas dinner.  Am always thankful for all of you, strong and healthy and good servants for God, and seeing you warmed my heart a little.  But I was also depressed I could not be there.  I thought of calling then but my heart wasn't really in it and I didn't want to spoil the atmosphere.  And on some previous occasions when I called, it was also difficult for me because I felt like I was forcing the conversation, asking what you guys were doing, how things were... Which is normally fine, but not today.

(Digression - as I am writing this, Boney M's Mary's Boy Child is playing on TV and is a great Christmas song.  Also, while not quite a Christmas song in the real sense, 2000 miles by The Pretenders has much more significance for me this year.  Like many other 'sad' Christmas numbers)

After the service ended, I just needed to get out and that's when I told you guys I was going for a walk.  I really needed to do something other than just sitting there being depressed - and having to deal with more messages.  Even watching TV wasn't helping.  I have been bingeing on The Big Bang Theory (usually while eating) and am about to finally finish the whole series.  I could have gone for a run but was not up to it.  The temperature was 2 degrees but I have gotten used to running in the cold - the key is to dress just warm enough so that you feel a little chilly at the start.

Another tip about the cold - always check and double check your actions, especially when you are putting things in pockets (you may think you did).  Gloves really numb the senses.  Had two mishaps today that were avoidable.  I should have remembered my lesson from earlier in the week.  I went for a run and for once I did not bring my phone.  So I only had my mask and key to carry - and decided I would put both in a ziploc bag and then stuff it into a pocket on the back of my running shorts.  I was wearing gloves and stuffed the bag into the pocket and set off.  After about 5 minutes, along Marsham Street something told me to check if the bag was there.  Nope.

I had to run all the way to the entrance to Cleland House and the ziploc bag was there on the ground.  In fact, just as I reached it, a deliveryman saw it on the ground, glanced at it and just decided to carry on.  That wasn't the end of it.  I spent about 5 minutes (really) trying to stuff the bag into the pocket.  I finally admitted defeat and took off the gloves and then managed to get the bag in.

Today, I brought my wireless headphones and while walking past the back entrance of the Tate museum, I dropped the left earpiece (because I did not have a good hold due to the gloves) and the little sucker with its silicone attachment bounced merrily into the compound - which was secured by a gate.  I looked at it and knew it was probably just tantalisingly out of reach of my arm.  I tried but not before I thought of climbing the gate.  Which would have been dumb.  Then I realised that my leg was longer than my arm heh... and sat on the ground and hooked it towards me with my right leg.  Dusted off myself and carried on with my walk.

It was a lovely day, though cold.  The sun was shining brightly and helped my mood considerably.  The warmth on my face was very much welcome and brought a sense of peace.  I stopped at various places to take photos because I wanted to remember the day as it was.  And it was while I was on the South Bank that the second mishap occurred.  Took off my right glove to unlock the phone to take a photo.  I thought I had put the glove into my jacket pocket.  Nope.

After the photo, I decided to call mummy - I was feeling better already but maybe not enough.  She knew something wasn't right and texted me after the call (Aunt June was there and maybe she didn't want to ask me about it in front of her).  You guys were playing computer games and didn't come to the phone and I was depressed again.  Anyway when mummy texted me, I told her that I was ok, just not in a very festive spirit and that perhaps I should not have called because I didn't want her to worry.  She said it was nice talking to me and I felt a bit better.

After the call I realised the glove was not in my pocket and I had to retrace my steps to pick it up - thankfully I had not gotten very far.  I was walking slowly while talking on the phone - mummy asked if I was walking a dog!  So always check and make sure things are secure.  The cold and things like gloves really numb the senses.

Then you guys suddenly started texting me about things - I had shared the photos I took during my walk, but you were also asking about other stuff and I knew it was a little unusual.  I asked mummy if she had said anything to you guys and she said she had nagged you about not coming to the phone.  That's what I really didn't want - I told her I was alright and that it was my own fault anyway.

It is what it is.  I don't want pity.  If I can't make a real connection, I just have to try harder.

Christmas Eve reflections

This will be one to forget, but it will stick in the memory for all the wrong reasons.

A number of messages from friends helped me get through the day.  It's times like these that you find out who remembers you and takes the trouble to reach out.  And it's really wonderful to get a nice surprise from those you don't immediately think of - there's been a trickle of messages from people (some from school who I actually don't know very well, and have not met since leaving school) after hearing the news about Tier 4 here (who knew there was a Tier 4?  We all thought there were only 3 Tiers and beyond that, a full lockdown).  I joked with someone that it seems like they are making it up as they go along.  I guess Tier 3.5 would have meant that scotch eggs are off the menu. I need to explain.  Pubs were allowed to open in Tier 2 if they served substantial meals - and scotch eggs qualified)

The converse of what I said above about surprise messages of course is that people you expect to hear from more regularly, are silent.  Makes you wonder if they are such good friends after all.  Oh well, I am sure I've been accused of neglecting my friends too.  Everyone have to get on with their lives and their own worries.  Including you guys.  Same analogy applies. I was not a very good son, or brother myself.  I wonder how disappointed my father was with me at the lack of communication over the years. And so it is what it is.  If I am being honest, it is a reflection of how our relationship, but that's from my perspective of course.  Perhaps it is just right to all of you and you don't understand why I am saying this.

I spent a bit of time yesterday writing a FB post about what I was going to do for Christmas, seeing as I would not be celebrating it with anyone.  In the post, which was largely a reworking of the post I did about Groundhog Day (I watched on the eve to cheer myself up), I talked about the real message of Christmas that I got from the movie and it struck a chord with some.  Not so much with you.  I told mummy it was increasingly hard to motivate myself to write because some of you don't even read them, and I wonder if anyone even noticed that my output has slowed.  Not that it was even that prolific - many were just photos of happier times.

I will continue to write, but for myself, to gather my thoughts.  Age will take its toll and I will forget them otherwise.  It is kind of a mixed emotions exercise - I am writing about what I feel and what I am going through, and I hope that it helps us connect better.  I thought it would - but now that I know it did not work that well, the very act of writing is a little depressing.  I do hope that in time, you will find it and read it - because I don't think I will be sharing the link anymore (or at least not for posts like this).  You will find it one day if you really want to.

But back to what Christmas should be for me this year.  It's not about family or friends because no one is here, and so much of what we consider important about Christmas revolves around festivities, food and drink and such.  And then when I don't have it this year, I forget the real meaning of Christmas.

And with that thought, I went to bed, putting my phones on silent mode.  I knew there would be more messages coming in, and didn't really want to deal with it first thing in the morning.

Christmas lights 2020

This has been such a difficult year for all, but we are still incredibly blessed compared to others.  Still, it has affected us all to some degree.  Maybe not as much for you guys because you are able to count on each other, have friends that you meet with, even if not all at the same time.  (I'm sure you must have seen the joke about how some thought they were the 6th best friend, only to find out they are the 9th:)

For me, spending December and Christmas here alone has been and still is, occasionally depressing.  The long nights, short days can take its toll on you mentally.  Lockdown is bad enough, but when you don't see enough daylight, it can get to you.  Which is why Christmas lights have taken on additional significance for me this year.  Who doesn't love a pretty light-up?  It gets you into the festive mood,  But when its a year like this, it helps a lot to lift spirits.

Which is why I decided to get the extra lights.  The ones I got last year looked a bit sad on their own.  If I stay long enough, I will probably end up with a display like the Churchill Arms.  And today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year - and I realised some days ago that it wasn't going to be the day with the earliest sunset because of the tilt of the earth's axis or something.  I think that was a few days ago (or a week maybe).

OK going to eat tang yuan soon to celebrate.  More daylight!

11 Wilton Crescent, 2 doors away from my office.  Wonder what their utilities bill is like.  Then again, if you live here, they can afford it...  I like those trees.  We should get one.

Burlington Arcade, on Piccadilly across from...

Fortnum and Mason (where this Santa gets most of his supplies)

St James' Church, Piccadilly.  On most days, there are stalls/kiosks inside the church grounds selling handicraft.  Piccadilly is a nice road with some of my favourite places.  Fortnum's, the Wolseley (which has a nice afternoon tea, and also a lovely breakfast), Hatchards (bookstore)...

Piccadilly Circus

A street off Leicester Square

Tate Museum

Cardinal Place, Victoria - I come here quite often because it's the nearest M&S, about a 15-minute walk.  There is a Wagamama here, and Mummy and I ate there a few times in the beginning, but I have not been back since.  It's not quite the same as before somehow.

The Churchill Arms, near Kensington Gardens.  I ran for about 40 minutes to get there.  Quite a sight.

Ebury Street.  I almost chose an apartment on this street.  It would have been much nearer to office, about half the distance.  But it had no gym, which was a deal-breaker.  And now I can't go to the gym, sigh...

Another view of Fortnum and Mason

Motcomb Street, just round the corner from my office.

Battersea Power Station, or at least that's what it used to be.  Now there are many apartments coming up and they are putting in a Tube station or something.

Chelsea Bridge

Albert Bridge

House of Frasers, Victoria

Westminster Cathedral, Victoria.

Somewhere on Victoria Road

 

Groundhog Day

"Then put your little hand in mine... There ain't no hill or mountain we can climb...Babe...I got you babe..."

"OK campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties, cause it's cold out there today...."

Don't know if most of you got that reference to the Sonny and Cher song extract that I sent over Whatsapp recently.  It was the song playing when the radio alarm clock went off, starting Bill Murray on his endlessly repeating day.

It was partly just for fun, but also because that's what it feels like over here in lockdown, or Tier 2, 3 or 4 or whatever.  Hey even the year is repetitive. 2020:) -  One day blurs into another, and they all feel the same and there does not seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. There are no little old ladies with tyres that need changing.  Heh.  

But recently when I was feeling a little down (about work, about being away from home), that struck a chord with me.  And I started thinking about how to get myself out of this feeling because it can be a vicious cycle once you start feeling sorry for yourself.  And when some members of my small group said they were going through some bouts of depression, I took the opportunity to share my thoughts, and in the process, got some clarity for myself.

The first thing I realized was that focusing on the internal wasn't beneficial.  By that I meant, the thinking about self.  It is important to acknowledge how you feel, but at some point, you need to move on to doing something about it.  I'm no psychologist but I think depression takes a strong grip when you are stuck on the negative feelings.  I like getting out to run, to exercise but during winter it can be a bit challenging to motivate myself to get out.  And during my mini-slump, it got harder to get myself out there.  And if you don't get out, you feel worse and add to the negative feelings.  Thank goodness for the indoor bike trainer - it removed any excuse about the weather.  But still nothing beats going out - today I went for a run and it was really therapeutic. Especially after Arsenal lost again yesterday.  Haiz.

The second thing is to separate the things that you can change, and the things you cannot.  This was also a very useful insight I got from my coach once when I was frustrated at work.  Of course it can be difficult if the thing making you most unhappy is something you cannot change or affect.  I can't do anything about the situation here and have to make the best of it since I made a commitment to take on this post.  I have already spent 6 months away from the post and coming back and restarting was not easy.

What could I change?

I realized it was an opportunity to make new connections with you guys, which is what led me to do the blog.  It has not been totally successful I think, but I continue with it because I think it will matter at some point in future.  I would have liked to have connected better with my father but we both didn't really know how. The last few meaningful conversations I had with him are the ones we had in hospital before he passed away.  I love him no less but wish I could have known him much better - and if there was something more concrete I could remember him by, that would be great.

And this epiphany about making connections was what really helped.  In a way it is about living out the second commandment to love others.  When we reach out to make connections, we are showing love.  And that means focusing on others, on the external.  God's love (and grace) is sufficient for us.  When we are loved by others, that is a bonus.  Sometimes we get disappointed by people because we naturally have expectations.

But when we show love for others, there is no disappointment (at least not if you do not have expectations of appreciation or reciprocity) and more importantly, it takes us out of our unhelpful obsession with self.  We also start to realize and appreciate what we have, rather than what we don't.  We have family and friends, some of whom might just be needing to hear a friendly voice.  And we are doing God's work. (Incidentally, Bill Murray also turned a corner when he decided to spend his time helping people every day - and this just occurred to me, that one of the most powerful messages that I had missed until now, was that there is no end of good that you can do in a single day if you just know where to look.  An actual deed, a word of kindness...)

So that weekend when I was having this discussion in my head, I reached out to people who I thought might need to hear a friendly voice (or read a text message rather) and I immediately felt better.  It is still a challenge, and will remain so for a long time with the situation here.  We just went into Tier 4 and there's still no light at the end of the tunnel.

But just like in the movie, it will come eventually.

HOME

108C Newton Court.  A 5-storey walk apartment and we were on the 4th storey.  We were fit in those days, carrying you guys up and down.  Our very first home, bought in a very smooth process.  God was watching over us for sure.

Those were very different times, in an era when financial controls were a little more relaxed.  We got married in 1990 after working for just a couple of years, entering the job market during a recession.  Buying a new flat meant a long wait, not unlike today.  Buying a resale HDB flat involved taking a loan from the HDB, and paying the difference between that and the selling price in cash, which was about $20-30,000 at the time, depending on the location and size of the flat.  We did not have that much in savings, not on our low salaries at the time.

But the strange thing was that for private property, you could get a loan for the entire amount, and so we decided to start looking at what we could afford.  It would have to be something in the $200-300,000 range.  Actually we hardly even got started.  We looked through the classified ads in the newspapers (yes it was a very different time) saw an ad for this apartment, went to take a look and that was it!  It was the only apartment we viewed!!!  We even got a decent price for it because the lady who owned it was migrating (and wanted to close the deal quickly) and by sheer coincidence, knew Aunt Chris too, though I don't think that was a factor in the sale.

The owner had done quite a nice job with the interior decor and we did not have to change very much.  We liked it so much we took the front door with us to Pinewood Gardens!  It was also a nice quiet neighbourhood in those days which was another attraction - until a karaoke bar opened just across the street!  Every time the door of the bar was opened, you could hear the music blasting out.

United Square in those days was a ghost town after office hours (not sure if you have any memory of that) - the only shops open would be some small restaurants (including a Korean one because I think the embassy was nearby in Goldhill Square), Cold Storage of course, and MPH the bookshop.  All the shops were on the lowest level.   Oh and there was Yesterday's - a nightspot with a live band (Thunderbirds?  I am not sure) that we hung out at a lot with my friends (Peter, Allan and Ser Song).

The kitchen after we did a small renovation

The room at the back

The room we all squeezed into - because it had aircon

The room in the middle after a minor renovation to create a small study space

Dining area

living room

That's our car there.  Honda Odyssey

When the wrecking ball came in...well actually they use a different method

last view

and it's gone

And the rest are some of my favourite pictures that I picked out because you can see a bit of the apartment in each of them.