Coping

It has been more than 2 months since I returned to London.  Seems longer.  I thought I wouldn't really have a problem with being alone - I went through a similar period last year at roughly the same time.  The difference was, I knew I would be coming home for Christmas, and then again for Ethan's POP in March.  This time round, there isn't light at the end of the tunnel just yet.

Where last year was a big adventure (though not totally since I have lived in London before), with the excitement of setting up an office and a home and taking on a new job, this year has been more of a struggle.  The days go by and blur into one another - working from home is great in some ways but you lose some of the rhythms of life. What's a weekend when every day is the same?  I find the days stretching endlessly out before me.

Which is why the last few weekends I have made a conscious effort to get out somewhere.  I call it my weekend communion with nature.  It is a treat and a blessing to explore God's creation.  It is also good for my eyesight - that's why most kids are myopic these days.  The fresh air, the sights and sounds of nature (I forgot my headphones on my last run and it was refreshing for a change to run without music), running sometimes without any idea of where I'm going is liberating.  

And on weekdays, I have felt the need to get out more, just to escape the confines of the flat.  I need the fresh air, the daylight (however drab and grey it is), the autumn chill in the head a little, and stretching the legs.  In a way, feeling that urge to get out isn't a great sign but it is good motivation.  I find that walking in this manner makes me really look at things around me you know?  I notice new details that I missed previously.  It's that old cliche about looking without seeing.  When you are walking to get somewhere, you tend to focus on the destination, on how quickly you want to get there.  You tend to forget to appreciate the journey.

I walk past these flats on my way to work but did not notice how they really looked till now

It's a bit like life.  When we spend a great deal of time focused on some big goal we have set ourselves, we forget to enjoy the experiences along the way.  And if we do that, it's worse when we don't achieve the goal or miss the target.  It's a bit like my running.  When I look back at the 100km ultra, that is not the thing I am most proud of - many others (alright, most) have run faster, many others have completed or survived it as I did.  But what is unique to me is the training I put into it, that took months of discipline and sacrifice and which I never thought I could do.  Like running 20 km every day for 5 days in training. Like putting in the work even on days I didn't really want to.  Which was more often than I care to admit. So even if I had failed to finish the actual race, I would still have that.

In trying to get through this lockdown and beyond, I find myself taking comfort in the smallest things.  Things that remind me of home, like doing these posts, and going through old photos and memories.  Writing about what I am thinking of and going through.  These are positive ways for me to work through the solitude rather than getting depressed.  Of course it's not just a mechanism for me to work out these issues.  I think I could have done better to connect with all of you and this helps to bridge that gap while reminding us of some beautiful memories we had.  It really struck home when I was doing that post about solitude and I thought it was such a shame I don't remember much of my childhood.  I don't want that to happen to you guys.

Another big comfort for me is doing worship online - in some ways the pandemic has brought some of these about (the other are my small group meetings) that I would otherwise have lost access to.  When I told one of my small group members that I looked forward to doing the worship, he said he felt ashamed that sometimes his family would 'forget' to do it on Sunday, and end up doing it the next day.  I felt a little bad that my sharing provoked that, but then in a way I am glad that I was able to provide more reason for reflection.  I mean, I doubt that he only felt 'bad' about missing worship when I raised the topic - but I suppose my own reflection gave him another perspective to think about.

Seeing the familiar faces of the pastors and other Wesley church goers, being able to engage in something almost as if I was still back home - that really helps (I've not really felt at home attending church here).  Singing along to the hymns has occasionally made me feel emotional.  Music has been another great source of solace. Listening to Cantonese songs warms the heart - though my choice of Cantopop is stuck in a particular time warp of the 90s, just as my favourite period of music is the New Wave period of the late 80s.

I've watched a lot of stuff on Sky, Youtube, Netflix and what has made me less guilty about doing so is that I can bike indoors while doing so.  It has been a life saver, and all the more when the weather is turning chillier.  Running outside becomes a little unappealing - and with the gym closed, this is my only option.  Of course I still run outside, like the one time I decided to just go out in shorts and T-shirt just to see how long I would last.  It was I think around 11 degrees but the wind was really blowing, so that would have lowered it a bit.  I came back really fast.  It was sort of exhilarating but also slightly nuts.

And on to the ultimate coping mechanism or comfort, which exercise makes it a little easier to indulge in. Food.  Cooking stuff that I was familiar with, or at least coming up with some passable variation of it, helps me pass the time as well as learn new skills.  The bonus is that I have to get the ingredients and shopping for food has become one of the highlights of each week.  But it is getting to be a problem.  I am running out of space in the fridge!!!