A post from 5 years ago.

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Fatherhood is a tough gig. Oh I don't mean to say it's harder than giving birth and all that. I know better than to start world war 3. But it's challenging in its own way, especially when you have all boys.

The early years are easy. Not easy as in stuff you can do with your eyes closed or while multitasking - you will not get approving looks from the other half, especially not with your eyes closed while minding the baby. But easy as in it's easy to figure out what your role is.

You are the sidekick. Mothers are the centre of the universe. As long as you remember your place, everything is awesome. I kid, I kid. You are of course more than that. You are the stand-in when mum's not available. And you will often feel woefully inadequate as a stand-in because you get so little practice. And when you don't meet the requisite standards, you get even less opportunities. It's a vicious cycle what can I say?

As time goes by, you start to figure it out and just when you get comfortable and think "I got this", they change the game! Your kids are now growing up. You now have to be an integral part of the team, to be a father figure, a role model. It gets complicated depending on whether you have voting rights and a seat on the board or if you are just to execute the 10-year plans.

But most of us rise up to the challenge admirably. We understand that mums will always fuss over their children, and never stop worrying about all the dangers real or imaginary out there. They will be fiercely protective and bail their kids out of trouble given half a chance. We are more likely to feel, "this will toughen them up". But we are smart enough not to say it. At least not right away.

Or mums may feel upset when our kids don't seem to appreciate their love or help or concern. And we understand how hurt mums are when that happens, but we also understand how we felt as teenagers trying to create our own sense of self and identity and resented the constant nagging and seeming lack of trust. Sometimes we just had to learn the hard way. It's a complicated dance where toes are constantly stepped on. Fathers play an important role in keeping the music playing.

And so we become experts in guerilla tactics with a long view/game. We adapt and do what takes to make the team hum along. Sometimes that means taking a step back but that does not mean we don't care. Sometimes we step up /in even though we know our kids may blame or hate us and we hope in time they will come to understand that we bailed them out then because we didn't want to bail them out of jail later.

So we learn many different roles. We are peacekeepers, counsellors, confidants, co-conspirators, negotiators, and above all, teachers. In time, as our kids go on to have their own families, we hope we have done a decent enough job for them to have something useful to draw from. To all the dads out there.

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And I added this update last week:

Lovely surprise from my boys! Yesterday I shared an old post from FB about what fatherhood was like for me and how my role kept changing as they grew up. I said I was still figuring it out but the answer had already been delivered a couple of days ago. Guess now I'm their drinking buddy. My own father also loved his beer but sadly I didn't get to enjoy too many with him. He would have loved to have a beer with his grandkids I'm sure.

The other role is to be their golf kaki. That's why I had three kids. Just nice for one flight . And golf is a game I can play with them for many years. This last trip home was great as we managed to get a game in at Marina Bay. Priceless memories.