When the problem is also the cure

It is almost 3 years now since I embarked on this adventure.

It was always going to be a challenge in more ways than one. I thought it would get easier. In some ways it has. I am getting the hang of the work, the role, living alone, cooking, being out of my comfort zone - again. But there are also things that I never gave much thought to because I assumed it would get easier.

I thought I would get used to the loneliness. That I would find ways to occupy my time, and that this would distract me from thinking about what you were doing, what I was missing, whether you were really that bothered by my absence… And these distractions worked for a while.

That’s why golf has been a lifesaver in more ways than one. It has focused my mind on something other than missing home, and it takes up quite a bit of time. Plus it’s with a group of people I really enjoy playing with. The search for distractions also means that sometimes I make impulsive decisions, like going to the Emirates for a night game after playing golf in the morning. It’s tiring but the sense of activity and excitement really helps.

But then the illusion wears off and when I go back to the flat, the emptiness is overwhelming at times. It is mostly a dull, flat soulless existence but sometimes there’s a flood of emotions that comes unexpectedly.

The other day, I watched the movie “CODA” (Child Of Deaf Adults) and it was really good. It’s funny and touching, and I started crying in one of the scenes and couldn’t stop. Part of it was due to the fact that I could relate to the challenge of communication with the deaf, seeing how poorly I manage with my brother. And that I could have done more. But it was also about their struggles, how much is missing in their silent world, and what we take for granted.

But I think it was also because I caught the movie at a time when I was feeling a bit down in the dumps. Even when heading out to golf this morning, I didn’t feel as up for it  as I normally am. And yet I would probably feel a whole lot worse if I had nothing to do and just vegetate at home.

And that’s a lot like how I feel about the work at the moment. I am doing what I can, as much as I think makes sense, as best I can. The thing though is I often have no clue as to whether I make any difference. There’s hardly any feedback, and even where I have issues to take up, I often do not get a response. It is frustrating and depressing. But just like playing golf on weekends, it would feel a lot worse if I didn’t do my work. Hence, the titular description of what I feel at the moment.

Let’s hope for a nice summer to banish the blues. I don’t have any answers.