Woke up earlier than I meant to - might have been the phones buzzing. Anyway I didn't want to really deal with the messages then so I didn't look at them.
I decided to read in bed, and got through quite a few chapters of a book I've been ploughing through very slowly (among others) over the last few months even though it's not a difficult read. It's about communication, and was a gift from my former coach. It is a good read and I will pass it on to you guys. Like many other things in my life, I've not worked very hard to apply myself and improve on things - reading is key. Anyway, pushing myself to do the reading helped take my mind off things for a while. I need to be more disciplined about it.
Got up and dealt with the messages that had come in. And recalling my own reflections from last night, I decided to do the Wesley Christmas service after breakfast and I am glad I did. It brought me out of my funk a little, and when Pastor said to share the peace of God, I did. I didn't see the messages you guys left earlier after the service had started.
I was both happy and sad when I saw the photo of you guys around the table enjoying a nice Christmas dinner. Am always thankful for all of you, strong and healthy and good servants for God, and seeing you warmed my heart a little. But I was also depressed I could not be there. I thought of calling then but my heart wasn't really in it and I didn't want to spoil the atmosphere. And on some previous occasions when I called, it was also difficult for me because I felt like I was forcing the conversation, asking what you guys were doing, how things were... Which is normally fine, but not today.
(Digression - as I am writing this, Boney M's Mary's Boy Child is playing on TV and is a great Christmas song. Also, while not quite a Christmas song in the real sense, 2000 miles by The Pretenders has much more significance for me this year. Like many other 'sad' Christmas numbers)
After the service ended, I just needed to get out and that's when I told you guys I was going for a walk. I really needed to do something other than just sitting there being depressed - and having to deal with more messages. Even watching TV wasn't helping. I have been bingeing on The Big Bang Theory (usually while eating) and am about to finally finish the whole series. I could have gone for a run but was not up to it. The temperature was 2 degrees but I have gotten used to running in the cold - the key is to dress just warm enough so that you feel a little chilly at the start.
Another tip about the cold - always check and double check your actions, especially when you are putting things in pockets (you may think you did). Gloves really numb the senses. Had two mishaps today that were avoidable. I should have remembered my lesson from earlier in the week. I went for a run and for once I did not bring my phone. So I only had my mask and key to carry - and decided I would put both in a ziploc bag and then stuff it into a pocket on the back of my running shorts. I was wearing gloves and stuffed the bag into the pocket and set off. After about 5 minutes, along Marsham Street something told me to check if the bag was there. Nope.
I had to run all the way to the entrance to Cleland House and the ziploc bag was there on the ground. In fact, just as I reached it, a deliveryman saw it on the ground, glanced at it and just decided to carry on. That wasn't the end of it. I spent about 5 minutes (really) trying to stuff the bag into the pocket. I finally admitted defeat and took off the gloves and then managed to get the bag in.
Today, I brought my wireless headphones and while walking past the back entrance of the Tate museum, I dropped the left earpiece (because I did not have a good hold due to the gloves) and the little sucker with its silicone attachment bounced merrily into the compound - which was secured by a gate. I looked at it and knew it was probably just tantalisingly out of reach of my arm. I tried but not before I thought of climbing the gate. Which would have been dumb. Then I realised that my leg was longer than my arm heh... and sat on the ground and hooked it towards me with my right leg. Dusted off myself and carried on with my walk.
It was a lovely day, though cold. The sun was shining brightly and helped my mood considerably. The warmth on my face was very much welcome and brought a sense of peace. I stopped at various places to take photos because I wanted to remember the day as it was. And it was while I was on the South Bank that the second mishap occurred. Took off my right glove to unlock the phone to take a photo. I thought I had put the glove into my jacket pocket. Nope.
After the photo, I decided to call mummy - I was feeling better already but maybe not enough. She knew something wasn't right and texted me after the call (Aunt June was there and maybe she didn't want to ask me about it in front of her). You guys were playing computer games and didn't come to the phone and I was depressed again. Anyway when mummy texted me, I told her that I was ok, just not in a very festive spirit and that perhaps I should not have called because I didn't want her to worry. She said it was nice talking to me and I felt a bit better.
After the call I realised the glove was not in my pocket and I had to retrace my steps to pick it up - thankfully I had not gotten very far. I was walking slowly while talking on the phone - mummy asked if I was walking a dog! So always check and make sure things are secure. The cold and things like gloves really numb the senses.
Then you guys suddenly started texting me about things - I had shared the photos I took during my walk, but you were also asking about other stuff and I knew it was a little unusual. I asked mummy if she had said anything to you guys and she said she had nagged you about not coming to the phone. That's what I really didn't want - I told her I was alright and that it was my own fault anyway.
It is what it is. I don't want pity. If I can't make a real connection, I just have to try harder.
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