Christmas Eve reflections

This will be one to forget, but it will stick in the memory for all the wrong reasons.

A number of messages from friends helped me get through the day.  It's times like these that you find out who remembers you and takes the trouble to reach out.  And it's really wonderful to get a nice surprise from those you don't immediately think of - there's been a trickle of messages from people (some from school who I actually don't know very well, and have not met since leaving school) after hearing the news about Tier 4 here (who knew there was a Tier 4?  We all thought there were only 3 Tiers and beyond that, a full lockdown).  I joked with someone that it seems like they are making it up as they go along.  I guess Tier 3.5 would have meant that scotch eggs are off the menu. I need to explain.  Pubs were allowed to open in Tier 2 if they served substantial meals - and scotch eggs qualified)

The converse of what I said above about surprise messages of course is that people you expect to hear from more regularly, are silent.  Makes you wonder if they are such good friends after all.  Oh well, I am sure I've been accused of neglecting my friends too.  Everyone have to get on with their lives and their own worries.  Including you guys.  Same analogy applies. I was not a very good son, or brother myself.  I wonder how disappointed my father was with me at the lack of communication over the years. And so it is what it is.  If I am being honest, it is a reflection of how our relationship, but that's from my perspective of course.  Perhaps it is just right to all of you and you don't understand why I am saying this.

I spent a bit of time yesterday writing a FB post about what I was going to do for Christmas, seeing as I would not be celebrating it with anyone.  In the post, which was largely a reworking of the post I did about Groundhog Day (I watched on the eve to cheer myself up), I talked about the real message of Christmas that I got from the movie and it struck a chord with some.  Not so much with you.  I told mummy it was increasingly hard to motivate myself to write because some of you don't even read them, and I wonder if anyone even noticed that my output has slowed.  Not that it was even that prolific - many were just photos of happier times.

I will continue to write, but for myself, to gather my thoughts.  Age will take its toll and I will forget them otherwise.  It is kind of a mixed emotions exercise - I am writing about what I feel and what I am going through, and I hope that it helps us connect better.  I thought it would - but now that I know it did not work that well, the very act of writing is a little depressing.  I do hope that in time, you will find it and read it - because I don't think I will be sharing the link anymore (or at least not for posts like this).  You will find it one day if you really want to.

But back to what Christmas should be for me this year.  It's not about family or friends because no one is here, and so much of what we consider important about Christmas revolves around festivities, food and drink and such.  And then when I don't have it this year, I forget the real meaning of Christmas.

And with that thought, I went to bed, putting my phones on silent mode.  I knew there would be more messages coming in, and didn't really want to deal with it first thing in the morning.